"How to give Your Cat a Pill"
If you have ever tried to give a cat a pill you know
how difficult it is. The following instructions are fool proof!
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it
in the crook of your left arm
as if holding a baby. Position right
forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure
to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill
into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and
cat from under chair. Cradle cat
in left arm and repeat
process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take a new pill from foil wrap.
Cradle cat in left arm holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws
open and push pill
to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut
for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish
bowl 
and cat from top
of wardrobe. Call spouse in from
garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged
firmly between the knees. Holding
front and rear paws, ignore low growls
emitted by cat. Get spouse
to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while
forcing wooden ruler
into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat
vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail,
get another pill from foil wrap.
Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair
curtains. Carefully
sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside for
gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get
spouse to lie on cat with its head
just visible from beneath spouse's armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and
blow down straw.
9. Check label to make sure that
pill is not harmful to humans. Drink
glass of water to take taste away. Apply
band-aid to spouse's forearm
and remove blood from carpet with cold water and
soap.
10.Retrieve cat from neighbor's
shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to
leave head showing. Force
mouth open with spoon, flick pill down throat with
elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage
and put door back on hinges. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records
for last tetanus shot.
throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from
bedroom.
12. Call the fire department to
retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed
into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil
wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear
paws with garden twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining room table. Find
heavy duty pruning shears from garage.
Force cat's mouth open with small
trowel. Push pill into mouth followed}
by large piece of fillet steak. Hold
head vertically and pour 1/2 pint
of water down throat to wash pill
down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to
emergency room. Sit quietly
while doctor stitches finger and forearm and
removes pill remnants
from right eye. Stop by furniture store on the way home
to order
a new table.
15. Arrange for vet to make housecall.
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